www.vybeauregard.net

Hot Soda Apparatus:
Clowns in my Pants
2000

  1. Interview with a Professional Wrestler
    • 1’31”
  2. ClownReap (Featuring Kovar)
    • 2’17”
  3. Quicksand
    • 1’13”
  4. A Simple Request
    • 0’21”
  5. Behold: The Power of Cheese
    • 1’32”
  6. Cheese
    • 1’02”
  7. Mozzarella
    • 4’10”
  8. A Cargo Confessional
    • 1’40”
  9. Beastie Gibberish (Featuring Kovar)
    • 1’36”
  10. Burlap: The Fabric of Our Future
    • 0’32”
  11. I Like Boobies
    • 0’56”
For more information about this release, contact vybeauregard [AT] gmail [DOT] com.

Quicksand

Quicksand has always fascinated me. It doesn't exist in the real world. The simple truth is, it only exists in fiction. Quicksand was dreamed up by the monks who contributed to the recording of the Tale of King Arthur onto paper. These monks always dreamed of new ideas because they had too much time on their hands and foolishly took vows of celibacy and silence. So, as they conversed using raven quills and old parchment, they concocted this crazy idea that somewhere out there, there were patches of sand that sucked people under the surface when someone attempted to travel through it.

Unfortunately, because these monks had no formal training in the ways of science, they were unaware that this entity known as quicksand cannot exist unless it were a flesh-eating organism. Otherwise, without digestive capabilities, where would everything that was sucked beneath the surface go? The monks would argue that everything sucked beneath the surface would just go to the bottom of the pit. But do they have any proof of that? Who, among us, has travelled to the bottom of a pit of quicksand? The prosecution rests.

Behold: the Power of Cheese

After viewing one of these television advertisements, the viewer's initial impulse is to burst into uncontrollable laughter. But, honestly, is there anything this miracle product can't do?

When I'm feeling down, Cheese is there to cheer me up. When it seems like all hope is lost, and I should throw in the towel, there's Cheese. When I need investment tips, my trusty block of longhorn style Cheddar wisely suggests that I put all my money into bonds. And if I ever run out of ideas to write about I look no further than that great, 2-pound chunk of Gouda that sits atop a Cortinthian pedestal in my bedroom. Instant inspiration!

As I recall everything I've heard about Cheese, it really hasn't had the most desirable reputation in years past. Frankly, it rubs me the wrong way that in nursery rhymes like "the Farmer in the Dell" have labelled cheese as being undesirable; nay, downright disgusting! So now I ask, is it time that Cheese get its deserved recognition as the greatest marketable item on earth? YES! You must join me in my worldwide quest to increase awareness and appreciation of our beloved CHEESE!

Cheese

I like cheese on everything
Hot dogs, hamburgers, nachos too.
There is nothing I don't like
Except if you forget my cheese.

Colby jack, Gouda Mozzarella, Provolone
Limburger, Cheddar, those are the best.
I smother all my food with cheese.
When I order it, I always say "please".
When they bring it, I say "thank you!"

Micah, Micah, Amen

Mozzarella

CHORUS:
Mozzarella
It's the best cheese known to man
Mozzarella
you can't buy it in a can
Mozzarella
tastes great with any meal
Mozzarella
it improves the way I feel

Some will extol the quality of Gouda
Others insist that Cottage dwellings rule
Most, like yourself say that Cheddar's the best, well

I know for a fact that you're all very wrong
I know that the best cheese could never belong
in a classification with all of these other loser cheeses

CHORUS

You can add it to anything you like
Mashed Potatoes, broccoli, or even baked Pike
Try it in comparison with all other cheeses and surely you will see the light

That Limburger stinks and Parmesan's lame
That Colby's overrated and Monterey's lost its fame
and that Swiss and Provolone both leave you empty and hurting and maimed.

CHORUS

It's bettah than Feta, and better than Bleu
It beats Gorgonzola and Jarlsberg, it's true
Brie may be the queen, but she sure can't defeat Das Führer

American's foreign and Ricotta is weak
Romano, Montasio, they're both so last week.
No, nothing can hold a candle to the cause for which I speak....

CHORUS

Cargo Confessional

Whenever I wear my khaki cargoes, I have noticed that the urge to scratch my balls increases twelvefold. I suppose it's the triple-stitch construction and the high-quality heavy-duty fabric that contributes to this oddity. It's just that compared with all my denim, my package has much more freedom of movement in these cargoes. When I'm wearing them and get up to walk across the room, I just reach down and scratch 'em. It's the greatest feeling.

I've even considered converting my entire wardrobe to cargoes. They're so roomy, I could have a complete, raging hardon and it will never show. Come to think of it, these cargoes would've been perfect when I was twelve. Damn the Gap for not making them fashionable until eight years too late. The mental anguish I could have avoided! I think I'll file a suit against them for conspiring against the pubescent boys of the early nineties.

And when I'm in court finally getting subsidised for my years of misfortune, you can bet I'll be wearing those cargoes, scratching away while no one notices a thing.