www.vybeauregard.net

Hot Soda Apparatus:
HSA II
2000

  1. Corporate Anthem
    • 1’29”
  2. Lacrosse
    • 0’50”
  3. Letter From College
    • 1’51”
  4. Enigma
    • 2’41”
  5. Obscene Plaything
    • 0’53”
  6. In The Mood
    • 1’12”
  7. Worms
    • 1’08”
  8. The Mitchell! Porn Dissertations, Book I
    • 1’10”
  9. Whorenado
    • 2’51”
  10. YellowSchmo Part 1
    • 2’37”
  11. WWJD?
    • 0’57”
  12. The Mitchell! Porn Dissertations, Book II
    • 0’44”
  13. It's a Beautiful Day
    • 2’28”
For more information about this release, contact vybeauregard [AT] gmail [DOT] com.

Lacrosse

The other day, I saw a few guys playing lacrosse in a field between two buildings. When I saw them, my attention was immediately drawn first to the ball they were tossing about, and then to those weird sticks in their hands. My subconscious then told my conscious mind, "Hey, they're playing lacrosse!"

From that point, I began wondering. Where did they come up with a word like 'lacrosse' to describe that? I remembered that it's also called field hockey, so presumably, the point of the game is similar to that of hockey. But then, as I pictured a hockey game, the similarites between hockey and soccer (or fĂștbol) came to mind. And soccer, too, is played on a field, is it not? So why don't they call that field hockey?

Lacrosse. Makes sense to me.

Letter from College

Dear mom,

College is fun. I don't know many people around, but that will change once I start partying with all of those drunken frat guys. So far, two people on campus recognise me, and they both call me scrotum. I think they like me. they're both taking 20 hours this semester, and I'm only in 12, so I have a lot of time to spend by myself. Not to worry, though, because there's a high speed network connection right in my room. I could be using this internet access to do countless hours of research, but I find that a waste of my energy. instead, I spend most of the afternoon after consumer math to download illegal porn from indonesian web sites. My favorite of all the genres of porn is those pregnant chicks gettin it on with ponies. When I come back for summer vacation, can we get a pony or two? I know it's been awhile since I wrote you last, but it's hard to find the time while I keep finding whole new batches of animal galleries to peruse. It'd be nice if I had a TV in here, but I know we're pressed for cash, seeing as how the university is charging me extra as a special case. Just consider it a luxury that you get to click on CNN whenever you feel like it to get a firm grip on the harsh realities of current events, while I'm over here in complete seclusion resorting to beastial porn for the slightest pang of pleasure to be aroused from my hollow soul. Have a good week.

Love, your son.

P.S. How is dad and my little sis? Has the dog been eating right? Can you get dad to order high-speed internet access before I come home for the summer?

The Mitchell! Porn Dissertations, Book I

It should be law that all people look at porn. See, when you look at porn you get an idea of how to do it. Maybe not right, as much porn (www.beastiality.com) is simply not good for you. However, there is much good porn (www.sex.com). Now, when people look at porn and see how other people have sex they get the seed planted in their brain, and unless they are look at bad porn (www.gaysex.com), they will start to appreciate the form of the opposite sex. When this happens they become straight, and thats good.

They also start to develop a healthy sex-drive, this is also very good. So now we have a healthy person who has a healthy sex drive who gets a girlfriend. Becuase of his experience of looking at porn on www.porn.com, he can now please his woman and himself to new heights.

See, porn is good for you and those around you. If there was no porn then people would become so sexually frustrated they would take any oppertunity they could to make love. There would be people all over the street making out with fire hydrants, humping lamp posts, and doing it with trees. These things are bad, and should be avoided, Leagalize mandatory porn watching today!

Whorenado

Tornadoes came to visit last night I was sleeping peacefully sleeping on the roof of my garage

Peacefully, as I dreamed of laying a nameless piece of flesh the tornadoes came down to visit me Interrupting my vision of ecstacy

Groggily, I turned over to see who was disturbing me "what do you want from me? Can't you see I'm sleeping?" The tornado paid no attention to me with utter disregard, that pompous tornado went upon its path of destruction.

I was in no mood to take this kind of attitude from a lowly tornado That twister has no right to wake me up in the middle of the night What arrogance! I'll show that cyclone who's boss I'm not gonna let weather disturbances push me around We're the dominating force of this planet.

So I jumped into my Geo and floored it after that uppity tornado As luck would have it, the twister had veered off into a nearby cornfield. It was jumping around all over the place. It's gonna take more than that to escape my wrath!

I shifted my metro into 4 wheel drive and tore off the pavement into the field I'm comin' for ya you bastard! If you know what's good for ya, you'll run away!

Suddenly, second thoughts were flashing through my mind. That cyclone had completely reversed directions It was headed straight toward me.

Oh, ya wanna fight now, huh? Suddenly, you can see me? is that it? Well, wussy boy. Let's see whatchya got!

I downshifted and charged my cyclonic opponent. 55, 60, up to 80 miles per hour i raced through a fallow cornfield In my 95 metro.

But it seems that in my fit of rage I forgot that I needed to gas up before I went out tomorrow When I had departed, my tank was empty these excessive speeds have drained off my fumes I sputtered and spat and my car did the same I slowed to a stop and got out of the car.

Running toward that bastard of a cyclone I was shaking my fist and cursing its name I ran and i ran but it was no use.

That twister had outsmarted and outsped me. Of course it would have, I had just gotten up It had been on the prowl for hours before it met up with me

But a word to all you cyclones out there. Don't you ever think you can do to me what this pompous whorenado did. As they say in all those trite cliches, Revenge is sweet and mine is doubled. anything funnel-shaped must watch out for me. Even when I get my oil changed My distrust for the jiffy lube's equipment shows through.

I dare you to try it. You'll not outsmart me. I know what you think and I know what you're up to. You'll never defeat me Bring it on, all you Dykelones. Let's see what you got.

WWJD?

For the past several years, people have been going around sporting a specific piece of jewelery that poses a provocative question. It began as a rare form of expressionism, but soon, it came to be found everywhere you turned, from the wrists of young teenagers to those of middle-aged parents. And it bore just four letters: WWJD?

Personally, I'm all for this question. It helps us guide our actions; it controls our thoughts. It also serves as a way to classify all members of the human race. From this question, we can gauge how compatible we are with the world around us. It helps us determine who we can socialise with, and who we should stay away from at parties.

In short, it's the new alternative to the blatantly overused, "smoking or non?".

And I just can't help but echo the cries of millions who have already asked and answered the question for themselves, "Who wants Jack Daniels?"

The Mitchell! Porn Dissertations, Book II

When i'm shown a woman's penis, it doesn't freak me out. When I'm shown a woman's nut sack, I'm cool with that. It's when she has a penis that's bigger than mine that I get a little upset. And when her nut sack is larger, well, I throw things!

If she's ugly, it's okay, I'll live with the fact she gets more pussy than me probably. If she is good looking, this is bad, she gets a lot more of everything then me...I don't appreciate that, as a man, as a human, I think its unfair for us normal people to be crushed so humiliatingly and completely by those kind of women. I demand that they be excluded from the mandatory porn-watching law, and in fact BANNED from the use of any pornographic material.

It may seem harsh, but these are harsh times. We need to look out for number one! Go white...errr...straighty!

It's a Beautiful Day

Look outside.
The birds are chirping
The sky is clear
the windchimes tinkle in the warm spring breeze
It's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day to start killing.

to take a relaxing stroll in the sun
to peacefully roam the great outdoors
to take any passers-by by the hand
to give them a firm handshake
to rip their arms from the sockets
to beat their heavily bleeding bodies with their dismembered limb
to stand over them until they utter their final words
It's a beautiful day
a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day to mangle flesh

The birds are chirping
the sky is clear
the windchimes playing their happy song
with screams in the background
blood-curdling screams
and cursing and expletives
It's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day

From afar comes the sound of a man mowing his lawn
happily sweating and pushing his Snapper
it's a beautiful day
it's a beautiful day
it's a beautiful day
to stroll over and greet him
to say, 'lovely day'
to rip the machine from his hardworking grasp
to tilt the still-running lawnmower sideways
to grab the guy forcefully
to force his head in the path of the blade
It's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day to smell blood, freshly shed

to hear the man's screams
to hear him yell hopelessly
as his mouth becomes shredded
his voicebox purred
the only noise emitted from him
is the gurgling from the opening of his neck

It's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day
It's a beautiful day

the birds are chirping
the skies are clear
the leaves playing in the wind
a fountain babbling in the distance
the children playing in the courtyard
the geese as they fly overhead
dogs barking as the mailman passes
the ice cream man and his truck of many flavours
the water sprinklers happily clicking